One of the most infuriating (or beloved) things about Star Trek in general is its exorbitant use of “technobabble.”  A little while ago, I came across a blog from a former Star Trek writer who complained that the formula for writing a Star Trek episode was nothing more than loosely giving an outline of a story, and then filling all necessary scientific jargon with the word “tech.”  Then, the script would be passed off to the science consultants who would then substitute them with technical jargon (i.e. “technobabble”).  And voila!  You have yourself a real Star Trek episode.

I can see how this might have been infuriating to the writers; all predicaments that the crew found themselves in could be solved not by intelligent problem-solving or acts of heroism, but by nonsensical techno-jargon.   This led to a continuous stream of deus ex machina endings, which, in my opinion, cheapened many potentially great episodes.  Voyager seemed to elevate this to an art form.

I thought I’d write a TNG script where I could also just ignore actual technicalities and just use blanks to have the science consultants fill in.  Now you can play the role of the consultant.  The result is Star Trek Mad Libs! 

So how crazy and creative can you get?  Give it a try:

Mysterious Anomaly

Worf:  Captain, I am detecting a subspace disturbance dead ahead.

Ship rumbles. 

Picard:  Report, Mr. Data.

Data:  We are caught in some sort of _________ (physics term) singularity.  There is no known record of this phenomenon in our database.

Picard:  Well, it looks like we’re truly exploring the unknown.

Ship rumbles some more.  Lights go dim.

Ensign:  Captain, impulse engines are ________(adjective)!  The anomaly is creating some sort of ________ (tech word) flux that’s _________(verb ending in –ing) our warp field!

Riker:  All hands, brace for impact!

A lot of shaking.

LaForge:  LaForge to bridge!  We’ve got a problem!  The _________(physics term that doesn’t allow the Enterprise to actually exist) compensators are off-line!  We’re a sitting duck!

Worf:  Shields down to _______(number) percent!

Picard:  Suggestions, Mr. Data.

Data swivels in his chair.

Data:  Captain, according to known theory, if we ________ (invert/reverse) the polarity of the  ________ (another physics term) using our (piece of Enterprise equipment), the resulting explosion should provide us with sufficient momentum to escape.

Picard pauses for a moment.

Picard:  Very good, Mr. Data.  How long will it take, Mr. LaForge?

LaForge:  _______(number) minutes!

Picard: You don’t have ______(same number) minutes!

LaForge:   Captain, if we try what Data is suggesting we’ll need to shut down the __________ (important piece of Enterprise equipment)!  I’ll need to re-route auxiliary power!

Picard:  How long will it take, Mr. LaForge?

LaForge:   _______(number) minutes!

Picard:  You don’t have ______(same number) minutes!

Mr. LaForge magically does it in three seconds.

LaForge:  LaForge to bridge!  OK, you’re ready!

Picard:  Now, Mr. Data!  Ensign ______ (random name), get us out of here!

Lights return to normal.  Shaking stops.

Picard:  Good work, Mr. Data.

THE END